The day before your life changes forever

I'm the oldest of nine kids. That's a long story for another time. 

My very first sibling was a little "brudder" as I liked to call him.  

According to my mom I was very protective of my little brudder. He was mine. And I loved him so very much.  

Over the years he and I were close, but still fought like typical siblings. 

Into our adult lives we became a lot closer even though we lived several states a part.  

We both had daughters, only a few months a part. We talked regularly about everything under the sun from parenting, to our parents, to relationships, the list could go on and on. 

He was smart and witty. He was sarcastic and stubborn. He was irresponsible in so many ways but in so many other ways he was more responsible than most. 

He went through some pretty deep valleys from time to time but he always seem to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. 

It was me he always called when life threw him a curve ball. I'm his big sister so of course it was only natural that he'd call me. And I loved being the one he turned to in his time of need. 

I received messages every now and again reminding me of his gratefulness. I knew his gratitude. He didn't have to tell me. 

I loved helping him. I loved being able to help him. I always wanted to be there to help him. 

Loss is nothing knew to me. 

Two siblings, grandparents, high school acquaintances... anytime you lose someone it changes your forever. 

It's almost like the very fibers of your being get rearranged permanently. 

The day my brother died rearranged my life. 

The day before he died felt like any other day.

A few days before I'd received a message from his ex-girlfriend. She said a bunch of things that didn't make any sense, which wasn't unusual for her so I blew her off. 

But I remember feeling something inside me that had me worried about him a little more than normal. 

Was it the ex-girlfriend? Was it the last conversation I had with him? Or was it something else? 

The day before my brother passed, I told my husband that I wanted to take a trip to see him.  

My husband didn't want me to leave that evening; he wasn't comfortable with me driving 6 hours in the dark, so we agreed that I would call my brother the next morning and if the conversation didn't give me any peace, I'd leave then and make the trip. 

The next morning rolled around. I called him. I left him a couple of messages and texted him. I didn't get response. 

I went to work for the one client that I had scheduled. After I left work, I called him again and he didn't answer. 

I called his ex-girlfriend. She answered. 

My brother had taken his life. 

I was driving down a common street in my town when she said the words to me. I pulled into a gas station on that common street to let the words sink in. 

In that moment every fiber in my being changed for the rest of my life. 

I wish had made that 6 hour trip in the dark. I could have helped him. I could have been the light in the dark he needed. I could have saved his life. 

But I didn't. And he's gone. Forever. 

Never wait. 
Don't put of to tomorrow what you should do today. 
Never ignore your gut instinct.

Because the day before your life changes forever is just like any other day and you can't go back.