What if they never know

what kind of example have i been to my children?

I ask myself this question more often than anyone knows. i wonder if I've shown them too much or too little.

I'm good at holding in my emotion in times of severe grief, and in times of anger or frustration I'm good at exploding verbally usually with so much regret after.

They've watched me lose my temper. They've watched me hold my tongue and turn a blind eye.

I know there are so many times I wished I could have a do over.

What if my actions have made them question their value to me? What if they don't know just how beautiful their existence is in my world? What if I was supposed to meet them where their were in a time of need and I was only half way what they needed?

What if they decided that their life isn't valuable? What if I have failed them so many times they don't know who they are to me?

Do they have questions I haven't answered? Do they have needs I haven't met? Do they know who they are to me? Do they know how much I value them?

Do they know they're loved beyond any measurable amount?

If I could give my children something it would be something that would sustain them in this life. An ability to know and understand the unfathomable love I feel for them.

Having my children question their worth in their mother's eyes is a nightmare I don't want to suffer.

I don't have any reason to believe that they don't know, as much as any child would normally know, the love I have for them.

The fear of missing the mark with my children overwhelms me.

Will there come a day when they ask me why I didn't show them my love for them in more ways?

Will there come a day when I have to answer for my inadequacies as a mother?

What if I messed everything up so badly that it can't be fixed and its too late?

What if the consequences of my mistakes are only moments away from revealing themselves in ways that I will have to suffer the turmoil of regret for the rest of my life.

How can I know that I've given them everything they need to feel valued, wanted, needed and loved?

What if I never know?

What if they never know?