I often wonder if what I am experiencing in life is mine alone or if there are congregations of other mothers, wives, women experiencing similar things in their lives.
I don’t think that’s an odd question now but I did once.
At one point or another I felt very alone in my
experiences, and in my emotions resulting from my experiences. The thought that
anyone else could possibly understand what I was going through or empathize
with my feelings as a result of the specific situations was in fact asinine to
me.
Over the years I’ve learned that I’m not alone and that
these particular situations, while not exact in their instances from one person
to the next, are in many ways the same.
They result in similar emotions, and similar decision
making, and often times they result in the same outcome minus a detail or two.
Recently I was talking with my daughter about the changes
that occur in life.
I don’t believe that I knew who I was as a person before
my daughter was born. And to this day I think I am still very unaware of whom I
am. Before my daughter was born I didn’t know my identity alone therefore when
she was born I immediately assumed the identity which was given to me by her
existence. Mother.
Suddenly I found myself titled and identified by that
title. The responsibilities became my new norm. The accountability of said
title was overwhelming, and over the years grew exponentially.
Have you ever said a word so many times that it suddenly
lost relevance and meaning? You even
began to wonder if it was even the correct word for which you wanted use?
Exponentially. Say it several times and get back to me.
As I was saying… I’d become a mother and the assumed the
job that encompassed motherhood. Soon after I would become a mother for the
second time. I was already wearing the hat proudly so it was all too natural
the second time around.
I then became a wife and assumed the title and those
responsibilities. Two jobs. Two roles. And life is trucking on by.
Cheer practices and baseball games, soccer and football,
school plays, doughnuts with dad, muffins with mom, middle school dances and
high school proms, and all the while, in the background there’s the ever
blaring chaotic music called a mortgage and housekeeping, groceries to buy,
dinners to prepare, clothes to wash/dry/fold/ put away, car maintenance and to
top it off a full time salary paying job which comes with another title and a
set of responsibilities of which you must have to make ¾ of this paragraph a
reality.
You’ve grown accustomed to dancing to that chaotic music
so much so that its become melodic and it’s a rhythm your life dances to day in
and day out.
You don’t question its chaotic beat. Its soothing and
familiar. It’s the very beat of your very own heart.
A situation occurs unexpectedly, its necessary and
inevitable.
Your title as mother and wife are called into question; mostly
by you yourself, but inconspicuously by your peers and other onlookers.
You begin to wonder how this situation can be fixed and
you begin to dig deep into your years of other experiences hoping that
something in those other minute instances will give way to the answers you so
desperately seek.
After weeks of wondering, worrying, crying, angry
outcries and reclusive quiet time a whole other set of questions and
realizations begin to set in.
Am I now who I was before I was first titled? Who was I
before I was first titled? Do I lose my first title altogether or can I keep
it? Does it have the same meaning if I keep it, and if it doesn’t will it take
on a new meaning? Do I need to find who I would have been if I’d not been
titled to begin with? And if I do begin a search for who I would have been how
do I remain who I need to be for those who still depend on the titles I’ve
carried for them these many years?
Yeah I know it sounds like a riddle soaked with confusion
laden unanswerable questions but for me it’s my truth.
A season has come and is now on its way out, and while
there are other seasons for which I have a responsibility, that have come and
stayed since the first season rolled in, I find myself already missing the
first season as I watch it being carried away by winds of time and change.
Its not supposed to be this way.
Its not supposed to be this way.
When will the next season come? And will it bring with it
all the excitement and fullness that the original season embodied? How will I
know and recognize the new season when it begins; I don’t want to miss any
portion of it. Will the new season bring me a new title before my other titles
fade with their change of season?
How will I be titled by that season? And will I be
equipped enough to handle the responsibilities it brings to me?
Letting go of the title I was given is proving to be
challenging because of its slow process. I know the end of this title is
coming, and I can see it clearly, but I was no one before it. It gave my life
meaning and purpose. A purpose I don’t want to cease to serve.
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